


Five Birthday Presents Gojyo Got, and One He Gave Himself

by EzraTheBlue



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Birthday, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-30 02:26:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5146880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzraTheBlue/pseuds/EzraTheBlue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gojyo hasn't received a lot of birthday presents, so he remembers what he has gotten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Birthday Presents Gojyo Got, and One He Gave Himself

**Author's Note:**

> Written for an anonymous prompt at http://indelicateink.livejournal.com/400877.html
> 
> Enjoy, everyone!

  1. **A black eye and two cupcakes**




He had the vaguest memory, somewhere in the corners of his mind, of a woman putting down a plate of cake in front of him, of her voice in his ear, singing a song that he didn't remember anymore, pinching his cheeks and praising just how big he was getting. That was six years ago. Maybe more. It was as good as the flash of a photograph now: all black and white, a snippet of light and shadow, so brief in his mind that it might as well not have been there at all.

Much more prominent in the short life he'd lived now were the words, “You should have never been born.”

The only woman in Gojyo's life now had just finished trying to yank his hair out by the scalp, and he was licking his wounds back behind the woodshed. He wasn't even sure what he'd done this time, but he was too small to fight back, she could wrap her hands around his waist and throw him into the wall without even breaking her stride. The gash over his eye where her fingernail had caught him bled more than such a little scratch should, but at least most of it was vanishing into the long strands of his hair that he didn't care enough to cut. Then, she broke a nail on him, her claw caught in his hair, and that's when she blacked his eye.

Mom would have cut his throat if she caught him taking the meat from the icebox to ease the swelling, so he settled for stripping part of his ragged shirt off and using it as a cold compress. Then, he lay in the pile of drying leaves next to the stacked wood, closed his eyes to the harsh light of the sun in the gray sky. November always sucked the big one, but at least if he stayed out here, the black eye would be the worst of it today.

Then, a rustle in the leaves beside him, and a weight hit his chest. “Hey, dummy.” Gojyo opened his other eye, to see Jien had dropped a plate on his stomach. “Sorry it ain't more.” He grinned crookedly, and winked down from above. Gojyo sat up, catching the plate so its contents wouldn't topple, and he turned it around to be sure it was real. Two cupcakes, iced with chocolate frosting. There was a candle in one, and Jien found a lighter in his pocket to light it. “Make a wish and blow it out, okay?”

“Jien? What the hell?” Gojyo frowned at him, but Jien grinned and mussed his hair. The blood was matting and tangling it, but Jien didn't care.

“It's your birthday. You're nine today. So, I saved my pocket money so you could have cake.”

Gojyo's jaw hung open again, and shit, he hoped he didn't look as stupid as he felt. He grabbed the cupcake with the candle. “You're sure it's okay?”

“Of course it is. Make a wish before the wax gets on it.”

Gojyo squeezed his eyes shut and blew the candle out. Jien sat behind him and began to detangle his hair, and he ate the first birthday cake he could remember. The frosting was sticky and sweet, the cake moist and tender, and he was happy. He wished he could have more happy birthdays someday. He hoped that was okay, too.

  1. **A hand and a taste of manhood**  




Gojyo snatched the hand of the guy who'd chased him and Banri out of the bar just as he threw the first punch, pinned him to the wall with it, and headbutted him. Somewhere behind him, Banri howled with laughter, and Gojyo kicked him in the gut for good measure. Show him who the fucking halfbreed was. (It was still him, but it was the fucking halfbreed that _kicked your ass_.) “Shit!” He dropped his assailant hard and turned to retreat, but just when he thought the guy was done, he lunged at Gojyo again.

“Whoa!” Banri tripped past Gojyo and jumped on the guy, wrapping an arm around his neck, and Gojyo stumbled down just as Banri got the idiot who'd gone after them pinned. He grinned from the ground. “You looked like you needed a hand there, little bro.”

“Huh.” Wasn't like Banri to watch out for him, but it sure was nice when it happened. “Thanks, bro.” Gojyo wound back and gave the idiot who'd messed with him one last good punch, then nipped his wallet from his back pocket. Banri dropped the guy and smeared the dust from his knees, as Gojyo rifled through the bills in the wallet and whistled. “Well, happy birthday to me.”

“No shit, is it?” Banri swiped the wallet right out of Gojyo's palm, peeled through the bills with one finger, then whipped around to Gojyo with a grin. “Well, shit, what are we doin' out here getting drunk? We need to be gettin' you laid!”

“Huh?”

“Quit sayin' 'huh,' chicks hate that shit.” Banri slung an arm over his shoulder and guided him back towards the main road, still flapping the wallet in one hand. “How old are you now?”

“Sixteen, but--”

“Close enough. C'mon, kid, I know a place where the ladies'll give you some for your birthday. Just put your hair up and say you're eighteen, and I promise, in less than an hour, there'll be titties in your face.” He sniggered, and Gojyo couldn't help a grin.

“Sounds pretty awesome.”

“I thought you'd say so.” Banri chuckled and shook Gojyo's shoulder around. “Gimme a little warning next year, and I'll get you a cake. A cake for a naked lady to pop out of, yeah?”

He hadn't had a birthday since he'd run away from home, since Jien, since Mom... but hell, even if it wasn't cake and singing, it was something, and it would be enough to get by.

That was Banri in a nutshell. Banri got him through to being a man. It really wasn't even that bad of a birthday present.

  1. **Two comic books and a coupon**




Goku slumped over the kitchen table in Gojyo's little shack with a moan, as Hakkai graded his practice test. “It's too much. My brain's burning.”

Gojyo ran a hand back through his short hair and shifted the cigarette to the other side of his mouth with a snort, then turned the page in the magazine he was reading. “ Better be careful. Monkey like you playing with fire, probably set the whole forest on fire.”

“Oh, shut up! At least I'm using my brain!”

“Now, Gojyo,” Hakkai, still newly rechristened, scolded from behind the book he was using as a makeshift desk. “Let's not discourage Goku from his studies. Goku, why don't you start on your math homework while I grade your spelling test?” Goku groaned again and picked up the math book from the stack Hakkai had left, and as Gojyo went to turn the page in his magazine, Hakkai tapped his hand. “Why don't you help him? You're good with numbers.”

“Hey, cards and numbers ain't anywhere close!”

“Gojyo-sensei?” Goku grinned, clearly enjoying this already. “Show me how to do this one!”

Gojyo grimaced and took the book from Goku, squinting at it. It was a word problem. “Uh, Won and Lan are both ten. However, Won's birthday is eight weeks before Lan's. How many days after Won's birthday is Lan's birthday?” He scrunched his nose up, and Goku did too.

“That's hard. I haven't multiplied that high yet.”

“Oh?” Hakkai glanced up from correcting Goku's characters. “Why don't you get a calendar? A visual aid might help.”

Gojyo shrugged and found a calendar on Hakkai's shelf. Goku grabbed it from his hands and unfolded it on the table in front of them. “Okay, Gojyo, when's your birthday? I'm gonna make you Won.”

Gojyo grimaced, snuffed his cigarette out. “It'll be easier if you just pick a Monday and pretend.” He got what Hakkai was going for: it'd help Goku to see the grid of seven days, and eight weeks to multiply by. “So, this--”

“Hey, when's your birthday?” Goku shoved his math book aside with a grin. Gojyo snorted.

“I ain't gonna let you get distracted. Your sensei over there'll skin my hide. But it's November 9th.”

Goku puzzled over this for a minute. “But... that's today.”

“Yup. Now let's get on with the lesson.” Hakkai was looking up too, and Gojyo felt his face turning red. Not another word was mentioned of his birthday.

Not until Sanzo had come to pick Goku up. Just as he put his satchel onto his back, he turned and pushed something against Gojyo's chest. “Um, happy birthday.” He then dodged around and hid behind Sanzo. Gojyo raised an eyebrow as the paper Goku had shoved on him dropped off of his shirt, revealing two wrinkled comic books and a coupon from a ramen shop in town.

“What sort of lame-ass present is this?!” Gojyo waved it at him. “Are you teasin' me?”

“No!” Goku blushed furiously, as crimson as the sheared ends of Gojyo's hair. “I didn't know, and I had to give you a present, and I don't have anything else!”

Gojyo came up short, and looked down at the comic books in his hand. “Guess I shouldn't be surprised.” He grinned and held them up. “Monkeys can't keep much in their trees.”

Goku's blush deepened ever more, and he swatted at Gojyo without coming out from behind Sanzo. “Y-yeah?! Well, kappas are just gonna get 'em wet, so if you don't want 'em, give 'em back!”

“Shut up.” Gojyo put a hand on his face. “I like 'em. Tell ya what, next time you come over, we'll all go to the ramen shop together.”

“I'll have a cake by then,” Hakkai added, unexpectedly, from behind him, and smiled out at Sanzo, who nodded.

“I've always wondered how long cockroaches lived. Goku, we're going.” Before Gojyo could retort, Sanzo escorted Goku away, and Hakkai set a hand on Gojyo's shoulder, turning him back from the open door.

“What type of cake do you like?” He was smiling his usual smile, but it was somehow warmer.

“You don't have to--”

“And Goku didn't have to give you all the worldly possessions he could muster. But he wanted to. Now, shall I repeat the question?”

Gojyo knew he was blushing, but didn't care. He wasn't sure how he felt about someone doing whatever they could to make him happy just because it was his birthday, but damn if it didn't feel good. Like having an occasional pet monkey and a roommate who didn't piss in the sink and encourage him to be an asshole, it was going to take some getting used to.

  1. **A tiger trap and the last cigarette**




“A tiger trap.” Sanzo kicked the flat dirt wall next to him, as Gojyo crouched against the narrow corner that he'd called as 'his' for the duration of this ordeal, packed clay rubbing into the suede of his jacket, and lit up a fresh cigarette. “A fucking tiger trap! There aren't even tigers in this part of Shangri-La! You fucking dunces, what the fuck did you think would happen?”

“Calm the calamity in your mammaries, Princess, bitchin' about it ain't gonna help.”

Hakuryuu couldn't drive over the swamp they'd come across, the terrain too wet for traction and otherwise obscured by mossy logs and high swaths of thick foliage. Gojyo had been trekking ahead, cutting a clear path with the lunellum end of his shakujou, with Sanzo only a step behind him to get through before anything Gojyo was pushing aside snapped back to hit someone (usually Goku) in the face. Really, after more than twenty months on the road, they shouldn't have expected less than a trap. Gojyo felt the ground falling out from under him with enough time to shout a warning, but not enough to catch himself from falling a good five meters down, and Sanzo stumbled right into the pitfall after him. Gojyo had landed right on his elbow, and Sanzo had landed on his ribcage. He was still groaning out the pain when the youkai who'd laid the trap went for Hakkai and Goku.

Because that ended well for basically anybody who tried it.

Once the fight was over, Gojyo tried to use his shakujou to climb the wall, but it was just a little too wide from any angle for him to get a good grip in the wall, and they were down too low for him to just vault it. He did manage to loop the lunellum around a tree outside of the hole, but as soon as he tried to pull himself up, his chest and arm screamed with pain, and he shouted up on their behalf: “I can't do it! I pulled something in my arm, and I'm pretty sure Baldy over there busted one of my ribs when he decided to use me as a landing pad.”

“I didn't decide shit,” Sanzo had snarled, and tried to climb the chain instead. This only resulted in Sanzo sliding down the chain and burning a layer of skin off of his fingers and palms for his efforts.

After dumping about seven hundred pounds of what was soon to be fertilizer into the nearest fen, Goku and Hakkai trekked back in the direction they'd come to find materials they could use to lift Sanzo and Gojyo out of the trap. That had been six hours ago, and while Sanzo and Gojyo each called sides and stayed on them, they still were stuck in a two-meter square hole with nothing to do but try not to strangle each other. Gojyo nursed his swollen wrist and smoked through the cigarettes he had in his pocket, as Sanzo paced a groove into the dirt and swore at the universe itself.

“How fucking pointless could an assassination plot be? They took a long fucking time digging this fucking thing, all just to piss me off!”

“I know, I know, the universe is just lining up to piss on your face, fuck, I get it.” Gojyo rolled his eyes and stubbed out his cigarette, then fished the pack from his pocket again. “You've been whining for the last forever about it, and it's getting old, Sanzo-sama.” He grinned, and tapped the pack. “Gonna get more gray hairs like that, y'know?”

“You're sure as hell not doing anything about it!” Sanzo kicked dirt at Gojyo, who scoffed and brushed it off.

“How do you think I feel? It's past midnight, yeah?” Gojyo crushed his empty cigarette box and pitched it away. “So, I'm gonna spend my birthday down in a pit with you, and probably gonna have to have my arm in a splint when we do get out, plus I'm out of smokes. Some present, yeah?”

Sanzo scoffed, and descended into a graceful kneel. “That time of year again?” Gojyo grunted in response, his head falling into his bent knees. Then, something his his side, and Gojyo looked down to see a box of Marlboros. Sanzo crossed his arms. “It's my last one. Enjoy it, you overgrown cockroach. Many happy returns, or whatever.”

Gojyo picked the box up, considering its weight in his hand, then put it in his jacket pocket. “I'll save it for when we get out.” Sanzo grunted, and Gojyo shifted to sit closer to him. “Thanks, man.”

“Whatever.”

  1. **Practical things**




Hakkai had found his birthday out when Goku did, only a few scant weeks after Gonou had died and Hakkai was given his own new life. But that was close enough. Gojyo was all but certain Hakkai had fallen into his life as a gift from the gods themselves, and he was both an early and belated birthday present.

Sure, they started off a little rocky, cautious with each other, but between working out the details of their mutual lives, Hakkai made an effort for him. He held true to his first promise to take Gojyo out for dinner with Sanzo and Goku, passing it off as a celebration for both Gojyo and Sanzo, and though their connection was still uneasy, Gojyo could say he'd known a stranger's kindness closer than ever. He hadn't thought Hakkai meant it.

He hadn't thought Hakkai meant it about the cake, either.

Hakkai made him cakes when they were at home. Plural. Gojyo hadn't been sure what his favorite was, so Hakkai had vowed to find out what it was. He'd make two or three small ones in the week before his birthday, then make a bigger version of his favorite to share with the others. Vanilla and chocolate had both gone over well, red velvet with cream cheese frosting was a delight. Now, Gojyo was pretty sure it was the chocolate-chip cake with the fluffy almond whipped cream on top, but he wouldn't tell Hakkai that, because he was desperate to know what Hakkai would try on him next. On the road, Hakkai could never quite wrangle up the materials, but he always managed to find some sort of sweet dessert on the evening of, or at least have one on hand, and ensured Gojyo got the lion's share of it (often with nothing more than a sharp-edged smile in Goku's direction).

Hakkai would haggle their grocery prices as low as he could in the weeks before his birthday and buy him presents with the leftover grocery funds. Usually new clothes, because Gojyo never noticed holes in his socks, on his elbows, in the crotch of his jeans, but always a small trinket more. A metal flask with a skull engraved on it. A new leather belt, stamped with a knotwork pattern. A basket of soaps that made him smell like a pine forest and made pretty girls lean on his chest just for a closer whiff. Never anything big or outrageous, Hakkai was too practical for that, but Gojyo kind of liked practical.

Even the little everyday things were special on Gojyo's birthday. He might have woken up around noon, but whenever he did wake up, Hakkai arrived before he could roll out of bed with a smile and a plate of pancakes. Hakkai made an effort not to nag at him (Gojyo tested it on the second year: putting his feet on the table, ashing into an empty beer can, leaving his socks on the bathroom floor, and Hakkai's eyebrows twitched but he didn't say a word), and Hakkai always asked what Gojyo wanted to do in the evening, then did it with him. He made what Gojyo wanted for dinner, or purchased it for him, then dutifully gave him his presents and cake. He even edged past his social anxiety to sing under his breath:

“Happy birthday, dear Gojyo...”

On Hakkai's birthday, Hakkai woke in melancholy, but Gojyo wouldn't stand for that. He forced himself to wake early (one year even just staying up from when he got in until when Hakkai rose just to make sure he was up), he deliberately helped clean the house and washed the dishes without being asked. He stayed in with Hakkai in the evening, like he did sometimes, but made more of an effort to get Hakkai engaged in Hakkai-things, his books, his studies, poker, shogi or chess, things that kept him from sinking back into Gonou's head and missing his other half.

He wished he could be that other half, to make Hakkai whole again. It took four years for him to realize, in a way, he was. He could never imagine a life without him, days spent without him, and from the way Hakkai held onto him so tight whenever he broke away towards danger, he knew Hakkai felt the same. It was only more obvious on these special days that Gojyo had never really enjoyed before there had been a Hakkai.

Hakkai loved Gojyo dearly, likely because he couldn't love himself but loving someone who'd saved his life was easy. Gojyo would never say it out loud, but gods did he love Hakkai for it. He knew how hard it was to love himself. He still got a thrill at every nice little thing Hakkai ever did, because nobody else ever had.

Hakkai was a gift from the gods, and nobody could tell him otherwise. A practical gift for every day, for his entire life.

  1. **Forgiveness**




Whenever shit went down on his birthday, Gojyo would joke that this was his present. Hell, sometimes, when shit got bad, he would wonder aloud if it was his birthday. It was easier to make jokes about what a miserable bastard he was than actually just be a miserable bastard.

He never really forgot all the birthdays that didn't get celebrated when he was a kid. Hell, he was pretty sure Mom was rougher on him on his birthday. Birthday punches for good luck, he could laugh at himself. Then, when he was alone, after Jien, after Mom, the most he had for birthdays was watching the frosty skies he slept under for a shooting star to blink out like a candle, just so he could wish the next year might be better, and maybe someone might care. Someone might pinch him so he'd grow an inch.

Jien tried a little, until he was gone. Banri at least bought him a beer and sometimes a stripper, but then he was gone too. Then, Hakkai happened, and Goku and Sanzo soon followed, and fortune came with it.

Suddenly, there were four birthdays a year to give a shit about. Cake, presents, off-key singing, the whole shebang, from the day they all met until the day they left for India, and even then, they still tried to remember one another when they could. Hakkai still made sure there was a slice of some sort of pastry for whoever was celebrating. If not presents, there were at least joking promises of, “Next time we get to town, I'll buy you a new book,” or “When we see civilization, you can have as many meat buns as you like.” Even if they didn't know when they'd next see another living soul. Even if they didn't know if they'd see the dawn.

His birthday, though, it was still sort of a joke to him. He'd heard the whisper of, “I wish you'd never been born” too many times. Still, after twenty-five long (and only getting longer) years, Gojyo was starting to feel that voice crackle and fade like a worn out record, one that had skipped a dozen too many times. He wondered why he'd ever let it replay at all. Not when he had so many fresh memories of people who clearly wanted him around.

He had tried no less than six different kinds of cake, all made just for him. Goku would scrounge his pocket money, or his very pockets, just to make sure he had something to put in Gojyo's hands on his day. Sanzo had mercy on him. Hakkai treated him like a prince. People were nice to him and meant it. It made him feel like his life was worth it.

And so, as he pondered back across the last handful of birthdays he had, he didn't think for even a moment on the empty days he'd missed. He remembered cupcakes. He remembered little favors. He remembered two crumpled comic books, dinner at a ramen shop, socks and sweaters, a crushed cigarette in a crumpled box, a promise of better next time. That old voice, the broken record, was quieter than ever, drowned under proof to the contrary.

_“Are you sure it's okay?”_

Every hand out, every kind word, every small offering, all came together as proof, and Gojyo could finally admit it to himself:

“Of course it's okay. It's my birthday, after all.”


End file.
